I had this really great friend named Matt Ryd. I'm trying to think of a way to explain how wonderful our friendship was, but I can't. I mean, he produced Jezebel, and we played in each other's bands...but our friendship was even more than that. We we're a part of each other, I think.
Matt, very bravely and publicly, suffered from anxiety, depression, and was living with an eating disorder. Gosh, when I list it like that it seems to diminish his struggle. Matt struggled a lot, so much so that early last August, he took his own life.
I write all this stuff, but it sounds trivial so I'll try and do better: Matt was one of the best, and most talented human beings I've ever known in my whole life. That man picked me up when I was at my lowest, and taught me the power of empathy. We connected, and through our friendship, I saw who I am in an entirely different light and as a result, I saw the whole world differently. Through my friendship with this perfectly imperfect man, I learned that what I thought were the worst parts of myself were, in fact, the best parts of myself. That is a special person. But still, these words seem trivial.
After Matt died, I sat in the bathtub. A lot. I was in my bathtub when I started singing this song to myself (the one you're about to buy). My employer had given me the day off (the day after we all found out he had died...oh that still hurts to even type) and I started this song in the bathtub. Then I kept writing in my towel sitting at my piano. Then I finished it before the next sunset, and recorded this demo. Gosh, I could hardly get through the last verse. It's rough, but it's something.
I don't want to make a single dime from of this song. Nothing. Frankly, it cost far to much to know how to write it and I just cannot take anything for it. But what I can do, in true Matt fashion, is ask you to buy it so I can give all of the money to his favorite organizations: ANAD and NEDA.
So please buy it. Give it to friends. Give it as a gift. Share it. Post it. Sing it.
Most of all, remember my beautiful friend, Matt. I just miss him so much.
ps-I've had 3 beers. This is still hard, and I don't know when it will stop being hard. I listen back and none of it seems real.
pps or whatever- you can hear my cat in the background, which I'm sure Matt would have loved. Meeeow.
Was it all a mistake as it all fades away?
If this choice is what you make, you can't go back;
you can't change.
If could fight your demon deems
with angel wings 10,000 strong
they'd sing your songs
their voices clear, and you would head
the good you are.
I know they would haunt you
and I know that you were hurting too
and I hope that my love could get throughout,
cause you should know
the one who saved me was you.
How long would it take?
Just to breathe? Just to wait?
We were just that breath away; you couldn't wait?
I don't understand things, or those extremes
you lived in "for so long"
I won't try to pretend, but friend,
It's dark before the dawn.
I know they would haunt you
but I know that there was fight in you!
but oh, if you couldn't get through
I can't know.
I'll just have to trust you.
Maybe this is how you're saved;
now you're free!
the choice was made.
but no, not everyone's the same.
I swear to you, I'll fight and say:
"I know that they haunt you
but I know that there is fight in you,
and oh, a full live awaits you
and you'll grow old
and know love can get through.
You'll know love can get through.
Love can get through.
I know you can get through,
I know you can get through."
released February 26, 2014
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